Collection Of Bleach Spoof Stories
by StrawberryEspada
Summary: A collection of short oneshots about random advantures of our favoirte Bleach characters. WARNING-CONTAINS STUPIDITY, RANDOMNESS AND MAY HARM THOSE WITH A WORKING BRAIN! *New Chapter- Don't Harm My Kitty*
1. Checkmate and Holy Hollow

**Disclaimer: **We do not own Bleach!! If we did..would we be on FanFicion? [=

**Just a little note!** This story is all in **chibi form**, not all future stories will be in chibi form we just thought it would be more funny this way lol.

This story is just complete crack and none of this is meant to offend...however if your **highly religious, **we recommend you don't read this story because it contains some that you might take offence to...just warning. We don't want any reviews telling us this...thank you! ^o^

All characters are OOC...you have been warned.

Enjoy! xXxXx

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**Checkmate and Holy Hollow  
By StrawberryEspada**

"I WIN!" Zangetsu cheered as he won for what seemed like the hundredth time for our little friend Ichigo who was visiting his inner pals, Zangetsu and Shirosaki. Ichgio folded his arms across his chest and scoffed "You cheated!" he accused pointing his oversized zanpakuto at the old man.

"I didn't cheat" Zangetsu answered sarcasticly, "I don't need too when I'm playing against you"

"Wha-What's that s'pose to mean, old man!" Ichigo yelled, "I could win if I wanted to! You should let me win, I'm your 'King' after all! Now lose once and a while dammit!" He smiled smugly as he thought of himself winning against Zangetsu for the first....I mean tenth time...

Zangetsu stared blankly at him, "Lose? I don't know the meaning of such word" He pondered for a moment, "Ichigo?"

Ichigo hugged his knees' "What?!"

"You lose all the time, why don't you tell me what it is?"

"That's it!" Ichigo yelled flinging his arms in the air, "I've had enough with you! Why don't you just play chess on your own...hah!"

"I get it" Zangetsu replied, "Your too stupid to play such a complex game like chess that you're throwing in the towel before you embarrass yourself...looks like I win again so?" He began to clear up his chess pieces when Ichigo sat down opposite him and challenged him to another chess match of death. "You love to lose don't you Ichigo" Zangetsu teased as he began setting up the chess bored again.

"Yeah right, this time I'll win for sure, and you'll be the one crying in the corner!" Ichigo nodded at his own statement, "Prepare yourself old man!"

Zangetsu looked up at the young shinigami.."Sorry did you say something loser?" he tormented.

"Why I outta kill you, you son of a...-!"

Suddenly, a shinnying bright light blinded the arguing pair as a booming voice came to them...

"Thou shall not fight!!"

Ichigo raised his arm in front of his face to shield it from the gleaming light, "What the hell!"

The light descended on them, and the blurry figure came into focus...there in front of them was Ichigos' inner hollow...Shirosaki, dressed in white kimono complete with angel wings, a halo and a bible in his right hand. He stepped closer to the two dumbfounded inhabitants with arms open wide with what seemed like love. "Come. Let us in embrace. Let me tell you the good news"

"If he's dressed like that, I don't want to hear the good news" Ichigo whispered to his chess partner (who by the way was winning their match)

Zangetsu nodded in agreement and then turned to the holy hollow, "Ar-are you feeling ok?"

"Yeah, normally around this time you would've tried to become the King" Ichigo said.

"I do not believe in becoming King anymore" Shirosaki answered, "there's only one king, and he is our savour!" he looked up into the heavens above.

"No way.." Zangetsu started.

"Has he really"..- Ichigo mumbled.

"Yes my brothers!" Shirosaki nodded, "I have taken up...RELIGON!"

Ichigo and Zangetsu turned their backs on their now "holy" friend. They figured he had lost it, and the best thing for him was to ignore him and hope that all this "God crap" would pass over.

"Checkmate" Zangetsu said proudly as his cornered Ichigo's king with several of his chess pieces, "looks like I win again loser"

Ichigo was about to cry when he was interrupted by Shirosakis' preaching. "No my brothers.."

"We're not your damm brothers!" Ichigo yelled, frustrated that he lost yet _another_ chess game.

"Don't ignore me and my god, he loves you all and he loves....GOD DAMMIT I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" he yelled as he throw that wretched bible on the ground, "Who the hell believes in all this crap anyway..God! Tsk!"

Zangetsu looked up, "You shouldn't make fun of religion like that, readers might take offence"

Shirosaki laughed, "Do you think I care what the readers think..huh?" He turned round and looked at an empty space in the blue city, "That's right...you all heard me, what are you doing reading this crap anyway?"

Ichigo threw a chess piece at Shirosakis' head "Who the hell are you talking too, you crazy hollow!"

As Zangestu saw his prized chess piece being lanced across the room so carelessly he grew angry. "What the hell do you think you're doing"

Shirosaki raised an eyebrow, "Hell now there's an idea" He then grabbed a book from nowhere and began to read....

"SATISIM FOR DUMMIES. THE BEGINNERS GUIDE FOR WORSHIPPIG THE DEVIL"

Meanwhile Ichigo ran for his life as Zangestu chased him while launching chess pieces at Ichigos' carrot top head.."This is how you throw a chess piece like a man...you loser!"

As Ichigo ran he wasn't watching where he was going and he ran straight into Shirosaki with an 'oomph' which cause Shirosaki to drop his new book. Ichigo picked up said book and flick through it. "Satism?"

"Yes I've taken up a new religion!" Shirosaki stated proudly, "Now if you don't mind..I have to find a goat and then sacrifice it!"

Ichigo was about to argue when a crazy old man came running this way. With only a book in hand Ichigo threw it with all his might and it smacked him dead straight in the face! "Take that you crazy old goat!"

Shirosaki perked up, "Hey I need a goat!"

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Well that completes our first story together! We hope you enjoyed our ummmm *cough* spoof. There will be many more to come [=  
In the meantime, if you want to check out more serous stories made by either of us, there are links to our other accounts on the profile page so check them out...there pretty cool I guess but that's up to you.

Maeve: Woah! You can do alot of things when your high on coke!  
Jenna: You mean the drink right?  
Maeve: Of course! *cough cough* I'm a good girl!  
Jenna: *laugh snort* Yer right...good girl my ass!  
Maeve: ......  
Jenna: See'ya!

**Don't forget to review!! If you want us to make anymore stories or perhaps a suggestion drop in a review.**

**We'll thank every reviewer in the new chapters**


	2. Bad Guys Don't Cry

**Disclaimer:** We do not own Bleach....if we did the anime will be this messed up....  
Note: This is in chibi form too! Not ALL stories are in chibi, but we figured this story would be cuter in chibi form hehe.

No emos were harmed in the making of this spoof...

Thanks to:  
LiquidObsidianEyes  
LEA STRAWBERRY  
Comet1234  
For the lovely reviews, we are glad you liked it! ^o^

Enjoy!! xXxxXx

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**Bad Guys Don't Cry  
by Strawberry Espada**

"Emo kid! Emo kid!" taunted the other Espadas, Grimmjow leading them on. "Ha! Look at the little emo kid" he snickered, "What's wrong gonna cry"

Ulquiorra looked away in shame, hiding the single tear that ran down his sad face, "I'm not going to cry! Besides..." he sniffed "Bad guys don't cry...Now shut up number six, I'm number four...you should be worshipping the ground I walk on!" He point at his feet to empathise his point, "Now worship me!!"

"Wha-what! Your number four by fluke you little emo!"

"I'm not emo!"

"Yea you're just a cry baby!"

"I'm not! These lines have always been on my face...they're natural!"

Suddenly, a voice yelled from behind the crowed..."What's that in the corner of your eye...emo kid!" the voiced teased. All the Espadas turned around to see none other than the _blind _ex-captain walking towards to group of hollows. "Bad guys don't cry..hah! Give me a break, you don't look like a bad guy...you look like some random mime from the World of the Living"

Ulquiorras' jaw dropped in shock, "What?! You can't even see blind man, you have no say in this argument"

Tosen shock his head, "Oh hell to the no! You did not just go there emo kid!" He clicked his fingers in a Z formation, "That's it...anyone who calls me blind shall feel my wrath! So watch it emo kid!"

"THAT'S IT!" Ulquiorra yelled as he flung his arms in the air, "I'VE HAD IT WITH ALL THIS EMO SHIT!" He stomped off as everyone in the room began to laugh at his "emo" outburst.

They all sang..."Come back emo kid, we didn't mean to hurt your fragile feelings" As they all sang, Grimmjow left the group and followed the direction of his emotional friend out the door.

"Emo kid!" he yelled down the corridor as he saw Ulquiorra ahead of him, "Come back emo kid, it's ok to cry"

"Stop calling me emo kid" he yelled behind him. He began to run for his room nearly at the point of breaking down into a flood of tears, "Leave me alone!"

"Where are you going crybaby...emo corner?" Grimmjow laughed catching up to his traumatised friend.

"Fuck off!" he half screamed as he ran into his room and slammed the door in Grimmjows' face.

Grimmjow knocked on the door, "Hey come on...I was only messing" he paused for a moment, "Geez come on emo, this is no different from the time when you glued fox ears to Gin s' head, or the time when dyed all of Tosens clothes pink and he couldn't think why everyone was laughing at him. And remember the time when you stole all of Aizens' hair gel and he couldn't gel his hair back in an evil way." Grimmjow laughed, "Ah man that was some funny shit"

"And remember the time when you put chili powder in everyones' tea, and the time when you burned all Szayels' clothes and danced around them singing 'burn baby burn!' Huh? Remember that emo?"

"But this time it's different" came Ulquiorras' snivelling voice from behind the closes door.

"What is it"

Just then, the door swung open dramatically and revealed a hysterical Ulquiorra, "But this time your picking on....on....MEEEEEEEEEE!!" He busted into a flood of tears as he collapsed onto the white floor, "I'm not suppose to be a victim, I'm suppose to be the person creating the victims!" he whined. He clung on so to Grimmjows' legs..."W-why?" he sniffed, "Why must you be so cruel...Grimmy"

He began to shake the "emo kid" off his legs, "I told you know not to call me that dumbass!!"

Ulquiorra wiped his runny nose on Grimmjows' black socks, as he began to cry louder.

Grimmow, who began to get frustrated, kicked Ulquiorra of his legs. He turned around and began to walk away when he looked back.

"Dude, bad guys don't cry"

The end!

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**Thank you for reading this, somewhat, weird story. We hope you liked it...we worked very hard *cough* less than a hour *cough cough* [=  
Reviews are love...spread the lo**ve.

Maeve: *sniff* poor Ulquiorra  
Jenna: Are you kidding!! Poor Grimmjow! He has to put up with that!

*Suddenly* dun dunnn dunnnnn!

Grimmjow: Haha! *points at Ulquiorra* Fucking crying baby!!  
Ulquiorra: I've never cried a day in my life..._  
Jenna: Oh yes you have!  
Ulquiorra: Oh yeaaa...when?  
Jenna: Look at this picture!  
Ulquiorra: Wha-what the! You just drew on tears...that doesn't count!  
Maeve: *grabs picture and tears it*  
Jenna: Maeve..what the hell!  
Maeve: No one is making fun of MY Ulquiorra!  
Grimmjow: Your Ulquiorra...what the hell is going on? o_O


	3. No One Makes Fun Of My Kitty

Thanks to:  
Misery's Prescription  
RaitonWolf  
Jazmynn  
Losuien  
xXGothic-FariyxX  
MiloMaxwell  
Who reviewed chapter two.

**Disclaimer- We don't own Bleach, if we did Kenpachi would be more like Armstrong from Fullmetal Alchemist.**

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**Don't Make Fun Of My Kitty!  
by StrawberryEspada**

It was a calm day in Soul Society and all the squads were resting after a long night of drinking except one squad – the eleventh squad.

"AHHH! You ugly beast!! Leave me alone! Stop following me dammit!" Yumichika yelled. Behind him was the most horrifying, scariest, most rancid beast of all...

"It's a kitten" a voice came from behind.

Yumichika swirled around to see his bald headed partner, Ikkaku standing behind him. "So what! I-it's evil!!" his voice trembled, in what Ikkaku couldn't believe, was fear. Just then the 'evil' kitten jumped up on Yumichikas' shoulder and started to play with the feathers on his eyebrows.

Ikkaku chuckled, "Now I see why it's following you" and began to laugh harder when the 'beast' let out a meow causing Yumichika to let out a girlish scream. "Get away from my hair! My beautiful manly hair! It took me hours to do this morning!"

Ikkaku began to laugh even harder as he clutched his now painful side

Yumichika glared at his friends' gleaming head, "Well it's okay for you, you don't have any hair!!"

"I'm not bald! This is the new fashion!" he yelled as he ran his fingers through non-existing hair.

"What do you know about fashion? Seriously remember last week when you wore that lime green jacket with those horrible baby blue shoes...fashion crisis!" Yumichika said matter-of-factly "You should go on that programme 'What Not To Wear'"

"Said the man whose afraid of a kitten!"

"I'm not afraid of a kitten it's just..."

"MEOW!"

Yumichika let out a squeal as he jumped out of his skin. He grabbed the kitten (who was still on his shoulder) and flung it at his unexpected friend getting rid of the 'beast' once and for all "Ha!" he laughed, "it's your problem now!!"

The kitten landed on Ikkukus' face an began to scratch at his face, "You little demon cat!!" Ikkaku yelled as he tried to pry the beast off his rugged, manly face. When he finally managed to get the kitten off his, now destroyed face, he was about to throw the kitten back at his comrade a deep voice from behind said...

"DON'T YOU DARE...HARM...MY KITTY!"

"Oh yea! What are you gon-" Ikkaku turned around and a shock of horror came across his face, "C-C-C-Captain?" he stammered. He looked down at the kitten and then back at Kenpachi, "No don't tell me, t-this is y-your kitten?" He gulped as the kitten leaped out of his grasp and into the captains arms, purring.

"Of course! Whose else can such a manly kitten belong to except for me...the manliest man in all of Soul Society?" he said as he stroked his kitten.

"W-what's its name?" Ikkaku asked.

"I have the perfect name!" Kenpachi said proudly as he began to twirl around with his kitten, "FLUFFY!!~" he sang.

Yumichika tried to hold in the laughter, but seeing his captain twirling around with a kitten named Fluffy was too much and he let out a huge belly laugh. But as soon as he let that laughter escape his lips the twirling ceased, and the stare his captain gave him was enough to make him wet himself.

"Are you making fun of my kitten?" he asked dangerously, as the kitten hissed.

Yumichika gulped, "N-no Captain"

The kitten let out another hiss as Kenpachi placed him on floor "All right, that's it. No one makes fun of my kitty and gets away with it!" He pulled out his Zanpakutō and Yumichika began to dash in the other direction with the captain hot on his trail.

Ikkaku stared at the scene in disbelief, "I think the captain has finally lost it" he said to himself as he began to stroll in opposite direction with the kitten following closely behind.

**The End!**

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**Jenna- Sorry for the long wait, but we actually have lives.  
Maeve- No we don't.  
Jenna- Then what have we been doing for the last few weeks.  
Maeve- Anime, school, manga and wishing we had a life the normanl stuff.  
Jenna- Then what were we doing in town at half eight this morning  
Maeve- It was the only time you could get in and we had to write this story and our stories for our other accounts.  
Jenna- Oh yeah listening readers if you like our joint account then why not check out our main accounts there is a link on our profile and why not leaave us a review.  
Maeve- Jenna, stop advertiseing our stuff.  
Jenna- I want reviews dammit.  
Maeve + Jenna- PLEASE REVIEW**

**Any ideas' for futher chapters would be helpful!  
**


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